long overdue.......

man...i just haven't had any drive to update this blog. There's been a lot going on but even before that I just couldnt find the care to update this little blog about my hair.

i'm still quite excited about it...in fact, seeing that the little ticker over on the right is at 16 days to countdown my final chop (as of 11/15/11) I'm excited and almost surprised its just a touch over 2 weeks away.

What I should have done and what is sorely overdue is recording that I did a medium chop back on 10/14/11. I cut off about 3 inches. it was a lot and quite shocking at the time. Only leaving 1-3 inches of relaxed hair thruout my head. the biggest shock came from the lost of length. i immediately disliked it and for a moment or two considered extendining my transition til I got more hair. At the time I had about 5-6 inches of hair. Accounting for shrinkage....I didnt have much hair at all.

My facial expression above, pretty much sums out up how I was feeling. I was disturbed at how short my hair was and I still had relaxed ends which meant my hair would have to be cut even shorter!

but having a month to grow accustomed to it was exactly what i needed to do and I'm sooo very glad that I did it. I feel comfortable with it now. I have a better handle on styling it and better idea of what to expect when I chop off the very last bit.

The most exciting development of having less relaxed hair is not having to twist/set my hair nightly. I can put my bonnet on and go to sleep. Get up, fluff, and my hair looks reasonably good for a solid 3-4 days in a row. At least with the bantu knot out set. i tried a twist out which was a dismal failure. the last bit of relaxed hair will not allow me to experiment with that style yet. I tried one braid out and that looked ok after I styled it a bit. It was very different pattern than a Bantu Knot out but I liked the fact that it allowed me to show more length.

I am sooo ready to be done with transitioning. I haven't been updating bc...well, I dont have anything new. My hair is no longer something that occupies most of my thoughts. Yes, I think about it every once in a while but I've rediscovered the other things I liked to obsess over.

One other thing that I've come to accept. My growth rate. It's just going to take patience. That's it. It will probably be 2 more years before I'm hyped about the length of my hair. In the meantime I'm gonna try my best to make the little bit of hair that I have look great. By being creative with styling and not getting stuck in too much of a rut, I'm sure I can accomplish that.

Still yet holding on......

10 MONTHS. I hit my milestone back on Monday.

Washed my hair yesterday and pulled out the ruler which I had not used since the first week of August. In various areas on my head I seem to be measuring at 3.5"-4".

I've been finger detangling more than comb detangling. I'm not sure yet which method is better for me.....I think fingers may be better only if I'm thorough. the last few times I've been kinda lazy so yesterday when I went to set my hair in flat twist I ran across multiple knots which slowed me down considerably. I lost hair bc my hair was drying and I'd gotten frustrated with the knots and pulled out a comb. I know I've got to be patient with my hair. I know I shouldn't comb it dry. But when I'm aggravated I forget that stuff.

I'm entertaining the idea of a trim....actually, a cut. I'm thinking of taking off half of the relaxed ends on the top layers. That's always been the longest hair since I started with an inverted bob. Thruout the summer I've haphazardly cut at this hair here and there. This time I'm thinking of cutting at least 2 inches. Possibly 3. I've got two parties this week so I'll be waiting until after those. My thoughts are to get rid of the bulk of the length to adjust to shorter hair. The added benefit would hopefully be easier detangling.

My hair has been drier and I believe that's bc I've been exercising and the sweat is killing my hair. I haven't exercised in 10 days now. Will have to get back on that tomorrow. I know there are lots of articles out there about exercising and natural hair. Unsure if I've seen anything regarding transitioning hair. Thankfully, less than 2 months left of this and then I can rinse/wash my hair as often as I want.

I feel ready. I'm not thrilled with how short my hair will be with shrinkage but I know with time it will grow.

I've started crotcheting some slouchy tams for my hair. I've been wearing them over my bantu knots while running errands versus taking my hair down everytime I leave the house. I'm making them in several colors so I can wear them with as many outfits as possible. The crotcheting is also giving me something to do aside from clean which is a great sanity saver. The only issue is my shoulder has gotten very sore from all the work so I've had to take a few days off.

I've got a liquor and dessert party tonite. I have to redo the flat twist on the back of my head bc they've gone wonky.

Until next time......

Holding Pattern...

That's where I believe I am right now. For the most part I'm just hanging in until I get to my Chop date.

What I'm currently doing:
Shampoo with Trader Joe's Tea Tree Tingle
Rinse out Condition with Trader Joe's Tea Tree Tingle Conditioner
Deep Condition with Proclaim Argan Oil Intense Hair Masque OR Silk Elements Deep Treatment Hair Mayonnaise
Moisturize/Leave In with SheaMoisture Organic Raw Shea Butter Restorative Conditioner
Seal with Castor Oil OR EVOCoconut Oil

I then set my hair. I find that setting my hair while it is still damp sets the style well and I don't currently need any additional styling aid.

I've tweaked my techniques here and there. Most notably: finger detangling. I washed my hair yesterday and didn't use the comb at all. Nor did I the last time I washed. It seems that after the fine tooth debacle, I've swung the other way completely.

I've been using my Tea Tree Tingle Shampoo more versus cowashing. My hair seems to cope fine with both methods. My husband had been complaining about his hair and dryness. So I've ditched the harsh Equate dandruff shampoo he'd been using and let him use my stuff. Even convinced him to try co-washing and he liked it! Since my stuff cost more/not available on the ground where we live, I'm determined to find him something else that's cheap and sulfate free so we can have seperate toiletries. I really prefer having my own stuff. I've been sharing my facial moisturizer with him for a while now and I just don't like it.

The rest of my transition I hope to focus on my styling. I want to get better so that I'll feel confident after the Chop. Making the decision to stop wearing my hair straight back in May was a very important. I'm now used to seeing myself with very short hair. Seeing it highly textured. Getting used to my poofy edges. Discovering that natural hair styles look good on me. I've gotten to know my hair and am getting practice at listening to it and giving it what it needs.

For example, the key to my dry scalp issues really do seem to be related to how much water I'm drinking. I really slacked off this weekend bc I made lemonaid and that frankly is tastier than water. Me and my husband nearly drained the whole gallon in a day. Now my scalp is dry where as before it had been fine. I'm sure my kidneys will appreciate that my vanity has me reaching more for the water pitcher today than anything else.

So that's that.

August: in some words

STRESS! Stress Stress Stress Stress!!!

oh my goodness have I been stressed for the last 30 days.

We've relocated. We ARE NOT settled. It took 18 days to receive our goods. We had no hot water for the first 4 days when we arrived and I had to wash my hair. HAD TO.

We've got ants.

Oh good Lord the ants. I have fought ants since I arrived! I broke down an called Terminix to get some serious ant busting action out here because...I just can't...I can't deal with pests in my home...not where I'm living and laying my head.

I. JUST. CAN'T.

So the great part is that the ants...I think they are FINALLY gone...I haven't seen one in a few days.....

My hair. Some stuff has happened that definitely needs documenting.

First of all, during all the driving and the first few days after arriving. I researched Henna. I read a lot of articles, forums, and personal experiences with Henna. I spent hours upon hours researching and decided that I indeed wanted to try it.

Im in for the long haul. So I need to strengthen my fine fine strands. I know I flapped my gums a bit about chopping early but I just don't have enough hair. At the end of July I had 3 inches of natural hair stretched. I've got serious shrinkage so those 3 inches looked very much like an inch at best in it's natural shrunken state. Granted...early in my journey I doubt I would wear my hair completely shrunken. I hear the detangling session after that can be off the chain. But still....I want some more growth.

Unfortunately the stress of the move and EVERYTHING else (gah!) has stunted that growth. Here I am about a solid month since my last measurement and I'm still at a solid 3 inches...not even a quarter more. This...this is discouraging. I stopped torturing myself with weekly measurements. That's just insane. Monthly seemed more realistic and reasonable. I'm more likely to see some kind of result with a monthly measurement. But this time....nada. absolutely no movement. I snipped some hair right in the front so I could accurately guage growth (and shrinkage)so I know I'm measuring the right hair...

I've lost a whole entire month of growth potential presumably due to the sheer stress of what's going on around me.

That sucks pretty bad.

Anywho...back to the henna. I did all that research...then purchased some henna from Mehandi.com. With relaxed hair still on my head...I'm not taking any chances on getting henna that might not be pure. I did my first henna application back on August 12. I made a note of my first impressions in my phone but it seems that note didn't save or was mistakenly erased.
.....sigh.....

I'll do a full henna post seperately.

I feel like I'm all over the place in this post. I really just wanted to get back into the groove of posting and hope to organize my thoughts a bit better soon.

I've been washing my hair roughly every 5 days. Not where I originally wanted to be but at least it's not a full week or more. I want to get back down to every 3/4 days because my scalp is happiest on that schedule. Before I left Pittsburgh, I did purchase

I've been using it ever since we left and I really like it. I use it as a leave in conditioner/moisturizer. I have not used it as a rinse conditioner. I'll do a full write up of my impression of that one of these days too.

If this isn't scattered enough I did snip a few more pieces of hair free several days ago on the back right side. Why? ....Well...I'm not really sure. I was just kinda playing in my hair one night before knotting it up for bed and was applying aloe vera gel to various section to watch the roots. there were some corkscrews in the back that were curling in a rather stunning fashion and the relaxed hair attached just looked....pitiful. I asked my husband what I should do (bc I was trotting back and forth between the living room and bathroom showing him what my hair 'did'). He offered to snip them for me...but I wanted to do it myself. so I did. the patch is about the size of a silver dollar. It's another area where I can monitor growth. The texture if different from the front. Definite corkscrews where the front is corkscrewy but tends toward a bit of s-curl as well. I've got this random patch over my left ear that travels down to the nape that just won't do anything at all. At best it waves up after a deep conditioning treatment but that's it. Usually that hair is just 'textured'....It just lays there. It's almost straight. It's the wierdest thing and unfortunately annoying bc I think this will keep me from doing straight wash in go's in the future. How can I wash n go with this random straight patch on the side? smh.....lol. That would look a hot mess. The sad patch won't even finger curl right. I'm interested to see if that will change at all after I chop.

ok..ok....enough rambling. I need to go do laundry. oh my gosh...the laundry. and I have to go to the laundrymat bc we don't have a washer yet. I really don't like that. sigh...

i'm just gonna say it because it's my journal and if I don't put it here then where would I put it?

I don't like it here. There. That's it. I don't like this new place. I don't like this house we're renting. I don't like the heat. I don't like how far away we are from either coast. I dont like the fact that I have to drive to the city to get stuff I'm accustomed to having withing minutes from my home. I dont like the way my neighbors refused to speak to me for the first 2 weeks and now another full week later only one of them does. I don't like the fact that there are barely any black people here. I dont like it that we have no idea where any churches are and haven't found anyone to ask about a black church anywhere......

I dont feel this move was a mistake. I know it wasn't. I just dont like it yet. I hope that changes soon.

Beady Beads......

Quick thought...

I have "Beady beads"....little soft ones...fuzzy...kinda indistinct. But definitely present and accounted for. Located on the left and right edges of the nape of my neck. I noticed them about 4ish weeks ago.

So since then, I've either pulled them out with my fingers or hit that area with my brush really softly. A stroke is all that they need to stretch out as they are quite soft.

Now....I'm wondering if I'm embracing my natural texture, shouldn't I leave my little beady beads alone?

Ehhh...I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm gonna leave them back there to chill. If the whole nape section beaded up then I'd just call it a day and leave them to do what they do....but the random 1 or two I get on each side just seem to 'stick out' to me. I do see that several natural women have them....

Now there is a lot of negative social connotations with 'beady beads'. Most know it so I'm not going into that here. I'm starting to think about my feelings regarding that negativity. One of those ideas is that if the hair is rolled up/beaded that it is "unkempt and not groomed". I think that's my primary concern. Since they are so soft and fuzzy does that mean i should just comb them? They don't roll back up later in the day...and often they aren't there the next morning. They reappear every few days..perhaps when I moisturize my scalp with my spritzer.

I don't know what I'll ultimately decide to do....for now, I will either brush them or stretch them out with my fingers. Perhaps if they get longer they will decide what they want to do....

Daddy Dearest.....

During the visit with my MomMom, I saw my dad.

I wore a Bantu Knot out during my visit and when my father arrived the Knot Out was certainly on its last legs. It was droopy and frizzy and NOT CUTE. He initially asked me if I had a 'piece' in my hair bc he noted the different textures of my roots and the curly part. I told him that I was transitioning to Natural Hair.

Oh! Like your mom?

Yup

Did you guys plan to do this together?

No. We started at our own times and then find out later that we were transitoning together.

Later at the table, he is looking at my hair and comments that he thinks I should be 'Okay'. now he never expounded on what 'Okay' was but he said the word a few times and he went on to speak on his sisters, my aunts, and stated that they all had 'Nice' hair, so I should be 'Okay'.

I've seen pictures of my aunts from back in the day when their hair was natural....I guess in a way he was telling me not to worry...that my texture should be 'manageable'. Which of course I know it will be bc I'm managing it. But it was curious to hear his word choice. I know that I do not have what is traditonally known as 'good hair'. I am far from glossy curls and waves. My hair is not thick and shiny. What seems to grow from my scalp is dull and only after I add oil can I claim any 'sheen' at all. I do not know for sure if he was insinuating anything at all but it did bring that mind that.

But aside from all that. It's nice to have my parents 'on board' for this. Clearly my dad has come to a level of acceptance since my mom is going thru the process herself. My husband and I plan to go home for the holidays and by then I will have Big Chopped. It's nice to not be nervous as what their reactions will be. I have 3 little brothers. 2 rock dreads. and one has a fade (he's experiencing premature pattern baldness. He's 19. I'm sure he's got heavy feelings on hair right about now). So now the only 'worries' about family reactions will be with my husband's family.....

but that is surely a whole 'nother post bc I have many many concerns regarding their reactions.

After the 4th....

Over the holiday weekend I went to NC to visit my MomMom (maternal grandmother). It was a very short trip but I'm so glad I got to go bc she was very happy to see me. It was a surprise. I'd only told my mother who has been staying with her since the beginning of June as a caretaker since her knee replacement surgery.

My MomMom is natural. My mom has been transitioning since Oct/Nov and I've been transitioning since Dec. So natural hair certainly came up in discussion. My mom is having a difficult time and has a lot of breakage. I got to see it first hand. it's pretty bad. there is a section in the center of her head that is completely broken off while other places in the back have a few limp strands hanging on for dear life. Then in the top and front she has pieces that are easily 10 inches long. in short her hair is a mess and she knows it but she is nowhere near ready to chop. even though I think she knows that's what's best to do at this point.

She claims her texture is 'gungy bush'. yet I detangled her hair for her and set it in bantu knots and I would not characterize her hair as so. She has very thick dense hair but I was able to comb thru her natural hair with no problem. What's making life so difficult for her right now is the relaxed ends. The coil/curl pattern is similiar to my own. She has used a TON of heat during her transition so I'm unsure if this is her real texture or if her growth is heat damaged (she's been pressing it). I am concerned bc she wants 'curls' and she said that if her hair doesn't 'curl' then she's going back to the relaxer. My mom is 51 years old. I wanted to ask her but didnt get the opportunity: Why are you doing this? I'm not sure what her motives are but it currently doesnt sound like one of them is to embrace her texture. Bc she doesnt seem willing to do that. What I hope is that after the relaxed ends are gone and her hair is easier to manage, she will grow to accept whatever grows out of her scalp.

I hope to be an example of that. Whatever I'm left with after I CHOP, I'm gonna embrace.

Hair characterized......

I'd like to thank God for the So Fine Series posted on CurlyNikki by Cassidy of Natural Selection

Finally, I have a condensed set of articles that point me in the direction of best characterizing my hair so that I can figure out how I should be treating it for maximum health.

What have I determined for sure?

Fine. Definitely Fine.
Normal to high porosity.
Thin to Medium density.

Current issue: Occassional frizz. Possibly due to using a Glycerine mix as my moisturizing spritz. If I'm indeed highly porous this is a major no-no. But I'm not sure if I'm genuinely highly porous or if just my relaxed hair may be. I need to do the test on naked hair. When I wash my hair again I'll redo the water test.

I haven't bought any new products but I'm switching around a bit with the products I DO have. I've read that consistency is key when it comes to your hair regimen. But I'm also looking for great results so I can stick with what combo of products give that to me. So far, my hair loves that argon oil hair masque I did. I'll definitely be getting more of that. It seems to like deep conditioning, so I've kept that up. I deep condition 2x a week now. My hair really likes to be sealed with castor oil. That really locks the moisture in my strands but it seems so heavy, so I went back to try the MegaGrowth Oil I have from Protectiv. I'm still not impressed with it so last night I pulled out some olive oil, which I'd been ignoring bc I used it years ago on my relaxed hair but was also never impressed. Perhaps it would be different on my transitioning hair. (are my standards too high? Am I difficult to impress? lol....)I've also been experimenting with how I moisturize my hair bc that clearly needs addressing and no point in waiting until my hair dries out completely and catches fire in the sun.

So last night, I mixed about equal parts aloe vera gel and Kinky Kurly Knot Today. Applied that to sections and sealed with olive oil before twisting and re-setting into my bantu knots. This morning my hair is indeed soft. It has sheen which makes me very happy bc I've been bummed at how dull my hair has been looking. I'm still adjusting to the constantly poofy edges so for them to be dull too has been disheartening. If olive oil will help me avoid this I will happily stick with it! At least for the next wash or two....lol.

What else have I been sticking with?

I do wash my hair about 2x a week. Sometimes the stretch between washes is kinda long (6 days one time) but I'm getting it done. I do not plan to make it a habit of long stretches. My schedule is a bit hectic right now so I'm getting it in when I can.

I'm only detangling in the shower while I have conditioner in my hair.

I'm only combing my hair when it's wet. Which is only on wash days so the amount of combing has significantly decreased. I finger style my hair daily and if I run across a tangle that's effecting the way I want to style my hair I'll pull it apart gently.

I've always been faithful to wearing a scarf or satin bonnet but I will list that here as well so i can feel accomplished.

I've been doing great with taking my vitamins nightly. I've been taking a Prenatal vitamin since March. At some point I started to regularly take my Fish Oil capsules-end of March maybe.... Then on June 7th or was that May 31st? Either way it was a Tuesday, I began to take Biotin supplements. 1000 mcg. I'm trying to be more conscientous about getting more water in my body for several reasons. So the fact that it will help my hair is a bonus!

I'm not using grease on my scalp and my scalp is doing great! I mist it every other day with my spritzer. This past week I've been slack with applying my Scalp Healer oil. In fact, I haven't at all. I usually cowash on Wednesdays but due to travel this weekend, I'll stretch it til Thursday and apply my Scalp Healer then.

I'm all over the place today but I wanted to post. since i haven't shared this blog with anyone yet, it'll be ok, lol...I got some of those old drafts out and they posted in the order in which they were written...just need to go back and upload a few missing pics.

I still haven't made a choice as to whether I want to go public with my blog or not. I'd like to find a transition partner but haven't put in the time to scour the boards looking for one. I get so overwhelmed on fokti. I haven't figured out how to filter thru tags well enough to not have 500 results....then with the move coming up there is just sooo much going on.

Oh well...the important thing for now is for me to have patience. Document my process and progress and keep pushing forward.

Knowing when I'm ready.....

I was browsing around the natural hair world and stumbled across an article at ManeandChic. She outlines some points that she felt were important to determine whether or not one is ready to big chop. I went thru each of her points and noted where I am or how I feel about each one.

Source: http://www.maneandchic.com/2010/06/transitioners-thursday-when-to-bc.html

• When you're ready. You don't want to regret doing it too soon.
What is ready? How is ‘ready’ defined? Lol…. I can be implulsive at times. Some days I’m ready, others, I’m not sure. I'm anxious to see my natural hair and get started with growing it out.

• When you're comfortable with the length you will lose. Your relaxed ends are weighing down your hair, be prepared to lose a lot of length not only due to the cut, but to shrinkage.
Am I comfortable with the length that will be left after shrinkage? No. I know I'm not. I clipped a teensy little piece in the front so I'd have a way to guage growth accounting for shrinkage. No ma'am. Not ready at all....

• When you're tired of dealing with the line of difference. It can be annoying and if you're having a lot of difficulty here or are rushing through detangling, you might consider the Big Chop.
I am indeed tired of dealing with the two textures. I just really want to comb my hair and not be all extra careful around the demarcation line when detangling. Detangling the straight ends is becoming a hassle as my hair grows out. It’s not completely unreasonable though so I could tough it out a bit longer.

• When you're tired of dealing with the different textures. If you feel like you want to simplify your hair routine, it would help to not have to deal with the drastically different textures. .......
Yes please! I would love to simplify my routine. I’d love for my knot outs to be uniform and not have straggly straight ends attached that don’t want to fall in line and curl. I’m interesting in the wash n go. I realize that it’s not really a go after you wash but I currently can not leave my house without my hair being ‘set’ and drying overnight or all day. The freedom of leaving the house with wet/damp hair that simply has product in it that I’ve finger styled is highly appealing.

• When you've figured out how you're going to do it: are you going to do it? a close friend? or are you going to a salon?
Eh…I keep flip flopping. If I wait and chop after I leave Pittsburgh, then I have two options: Do it myself with my husband helping me OR drive down to Houston, TX and go to a natural hair care salon with my best friend there to document the process and hold my hand if need be. I'm not considering walking into a salon blindly in my new city and letting someone I don't know nor have heard about do my BC. If I did a salon, I'd like it to be a major natural hair salon. I do like the idea of doing it with my husband. He's been an integral part of my journey thus far.
Prayerfully he won't jack up the back of my head, lol. I'm leaning more towards the do it myself option as I want him involved.

• When you're prepared. Have you done your research? Do you have the products and tools you will need to be natural?
I feel pretty prepared. I’ve read A LOT. Watched a lot of YouTube videos. I’ve started a routine that may need little to no tweaking once I’ve BC’d. I’ve got some products. I’ve read reaction after reaction of other’s BC to be aware of some of the emotions I may experience. The things left that I would like to purchase are along the lines of accessories: small rods, hair bands, clips, combs to smoothing back sides, a few more banging pair of earrings. But none of those are necessities for my regimen.

These were some good points. I'll revisit them every once and awhile to see how the answers might change. Right now, according to these points I am not ready. But I'm getting close!

Transitioning from the Significant Other's POV

One of the factors that played heavily into my decision to finally go natural was my husband. His opinion certainly matters...I could not in good conscious pursue natural hair without my primary supporter completely on board. I've flirted with the idea of natural hair for years. I've admired it on other women. Stared in awe at others curls and coils. Throughout the years we've been together, I've pointed out women with short, long, curly and kinky natural hair and asked: Do you like that? What if my hair looked like that? Over time my husband's horizons have broadened in regards to black women's hair.

Something I wanted to flesh out a bit is the idea that while I'm transitioning, he's 'transitioning' as well. So last night, I decided to 'interview' my husband about my process.

Questions I asked:

ME: In the past, what do you think/feel about natural hair overall?
HIM: Hmmm...not sure that I really thought about it much. I guess I thought that it was a look that only worked on some people. Like....you see someone and think, yeah, that looks good on her, but I didnt think that it would look good on everybody. Which....now doesn't make sense...I mean, it's your hair. Of course it would look right on you.

ME: What did you think when I told you that I was going to go natural?
HIM: Honestly? I didn't think you knew what you were getting in to. All the work that would be involved.
ME: ????? (in hindsight I understand this better bc it HAS been a lot of work. But I wonder how he knew that, lol.)

ME:Did you have any preconceived notions or have heard stereotypes about natural hair?
HIM: Stereotypes? Not really....well, maybe? I figured people with natural hair were trying to capture their African Heritage. Not conform to society.
At this point he also mentioned that he didnt realized that everybody had different textures and curl patterns. He thought all black people had the same 'black' texture.

ME:How do you think you'll feel once I cut my hair?
HIM: I don't know. I have no idea. Then he asked me: Why do you want to cut your hair? I took this to mean, why big chop? why not just grow my hair completely out before chopping? I told him that dealing with the 2 textures is difficult. They fight each other and breakage/damage happens. Not a good look. I also told him about not knowing my true texture and honestly just wanting to get rid of the straight hair to see what God gave me. To see how God intended for me to look.

We were in the car at the time and after this I judged that he'd had enough questioning about hair, lol. I did ask him that if I were to big chop myself would he help me. He answered 'Yes' without any hesitation.

So there it is...As time goes on I'll ask him for his thoughts here and there. If he says anything profound then I'll do another post. :)

And the point of it all.....

You know, all thoughts really keep coming around to this point: When? When to chop? I think about this several times a day.

This past Saturday, another tic went in the column for 'waiting'. My husband has accepted a position with a University. Currently, I've been in conversation with the dean and HR at said university regarding securing employment for myself. It's not cut and dry but there is a good possibility that I might be able to get a position there. What that position will be is the question.

So I've been thinking about interviewing with a TWA. I've seen a couple discussions online about this but how do I feel about it? right now I'm not sure. My feelings are mixed. I certainly have a part of me that says 'If they can't accept a TWA then it's not the place for me to work'. I do indeed feel that way. I also feel that 'in this economy, I need to secure a job. I dont need any distractions to the employer as I'm being interviewed'. Clearly these two feelings don't reconcile.

Should I hold off on the chop while I interview for jobs? What harm will waiting longer do? Wasn't that my original plan anyway before I got anxious and antsy and started consuming dozens of Youtube videos a day? Will eyebrows be raised if after I secure the job and then chop? One thing I do know is I will not be straightening my hair for the interview. I would wear it in a Bantu Knot Out since that's the set I currently do best. Here is my hair in a fresh bantu knot out:

I would stick with a black headband. I won't wear studs but I won't wear large earrings either. I have a small pair of earrings that drop down no more than an inch that were given to me by a Secret Santa some years ago.

If I'm rocking a TWA, I have no idea what I'd do with it, lol. Most tips for a TWA get into accessorizing and an interview isnt really the time to roll in with your peacock feathered headband. I'd probably wear a simple black headband, the slimmest one I could find. Right now when I wet my hair to check out its curl pattern then stretch it out, it shrinks back 50%. So even if I've got a solid 3/4 inches when I chop....it will probably still look like 1/2 inches of hair....unless twisting it will stretch it out for me.

Shoot, typing it out, knowing that I've never had very short hair and knowing that the reason I wanted to transition for a long time is so I wouldnt have to rock a TWA then maybe I should hold off and not chop til after a job has been secured. Then I'm not concerned about my confidence regarding my hair since I'm usually a ball of nerves in an interview anyway.

On the flip, isn't it JUST hair? Am I letting possible job interviews that I dont currently have determine what I do with my hair next week? Next month? That doesnt seem to make sense. Or...does it?

I dont know.

In the meantime, I've got an important appointment Monday morning. I plan to wear my hair in a Bantu Knot Out with a headband.

Coils Maybe?

This is another musing on my natural texture.....

I have spent most of the day with my left hand playing in my hair....my roots. The thickness of it. I can feel coils all throughout. Every since I stopped using the heat, it seems that my roots are reverting more and more. When I wash my hair, the back and middle of my head especially seems to erupt in super defined coils. I can feel them under my finger under the water. But I can't SEE them. I'm limited to what I can inspect after my shower in the front and sides of my head. I'm not certain but it seems that some definition is lost as my hair dries....

I'm hoping what I'm feeling is giving me some inclination toward what my hair is like. Though I have read in multiple places that your hair changes so much within the first month, 6 months, and year of being 100% natural.

There is the 'shock' that your natural hair experiences after the Big Chop. Many report very very dry hair afterwards. There is mention of 'crispy ends'. I'm sooo glad to know this. Knowing that this is a common experience will keep me from panicking after I chop. I feel confident that I'm in this for the long haul. I do not think uncoopertaive hair will drive me to the crack within the first 30 days. If I can't figure it out and I'm too baffled, I'll just get some kinky twists put in and deal with my hair later.

Whatever is going on up there, I want to embrace it. Truly. I want to learn to love it...work with it. Accept it.

Patterns….

Something that has been on my mind lately is patterns…..specifically ‘curl patterns’. A few weeks ago, I caught a glimpse of my first little coil. It was in the center of my head. I had just washed my hair and while squeezing excess water out with a tshirt (I don’t faithfully use a tshirt. More times than not I use a towel but I never rub) the little one caught my eye. It was a perfect little spring. Defined. Possible the diameter of a crochet needle maybe a tad bigger, it was hard to tell…..

I was sooo excited! I ran to my husband and demanded that he look at it. He said something to the effect of ‘Awww, that’s cute’ (more on him and my hair in another post). I didn’t think to take a picture of it at the time. Though I haven’t mastered the settings on my camera so it may have been for naught. Now when I wash my hair, I spend quite a bit of time searching for coils or anything else…..carefully hunting thru my forest-y new growth trying to detect any possible pattern.

Since then I’ve only spotted one other defined coil. I read an article somewhere that stated I wouldn’t know my true curl pattern until I cut the relaxed ends off. Of course I’m impatient. I ran across the term ‘curl envy’ and I’d say I’m a prime candidate. I admire other naturals’ curls and coils. Hoping that I may ‘luck’ up with a pattern so fun to play with….

Within the last day or two though, I’ve discovered that it’s possible to not have any curl definitio . There are some layers of myth and fantasy that are interweaved into the natural 'process' that trick some of us newbies that we can all bounce out the house with perfect little spirals and curls. At first, I was disappointed in this news, but quickly buoyed back up with the huge wealth of twist out tutorials on YouTube. It’s a rich resource for creating any curl pattern/definition you desire. So coils and curls are possible regardless of whether it grows that way or I create them myself. I've admired natural hair for several years and many of the natural heads that I saw weren't curly and coily. Many of them where simply unprocessed. Relaxer free.

Of course, this comes into the realm of accepting myself. I mean, if I’m chasing after another desired curl pattern, is that wholly accepting me as God made me? Or is that being creative with my hair? I’m not sure yet. I may not really understand my feelings and thoughts on this issue until my hair is 100% natural.

One of my favorite things to do these days is devouring Before and After Big Chop pics. I’m an exceedingly large fan of pics that include a picture for ‘Now’. I’m really into seeing that progression. What did it look like the day of? The next month? What does it look like now?

I really can see in these pictures that for a lot of women, the line I’ve read about how your hair ‘wont be the same 2 months from now, 6 months from now’, really rings true. I don’t think their patterns change so much as the length of the hair displays the pattern different. I’m sure product knowledge goes a ways in this respect as well…over time, many people find the products that work best for them to make their patterns pop. For those with no discernable pattern, they rock all kinds of awesome hairstyles. No curl pattern does not doom one to uncute hair.

I feel like a child at Christmas. Someone has bought me a gift. It’s a surprise and I can open it whenever I’m ready. The anticipation of seeing what’s inside is beginning to gnaw at me….on the other hand….the possibility of feeling initial disappointment tingles at the edges. I don’t want that. I don’t want my first meeting with my natural hair in 18 years to be…."Oh….you’re not what I wanted…not what I expected". That’s sad. It hurts my feelings now to think I may feel that way about my hair. But I also know that many naturals don’t love their hair right away….they come to love it, as they get to know it.

I just wonder which way it will go for me. Love at first sight….or a slow fall over time.

In the end, I want to love it. I want to embrace it. I want to be myself….as naturally blessed as God created me to be.

It's Crowded in here......

one of the things that i've been mulling over constantly for the last few days is confidence and fear. my feelings on both. my personal measurement of both. and how that is going to affect my future actions.

blog hopping along, i've run across posts that discuss the confidence factor that is required or grown out of necessity for those who rock their teeny weeny afros (twa). these really resonate with me bc i've dabbled off and on with the idea of going natural for probably 8ish years. the primary reason i wasnt ready to make the leap was the confidence that i could see would be required of me to step out. be different. embrace myself completely as i was naturally created. i've struggled with confidence regarding my appearance since i became aware of my appearance sometime as a child. i am not sure if i've ever been 100% confident in the physical self i present to the world, so there is lots to unpack here.

i'm unsure what changed to make me decided i was 'ready' for this journey. ready to transition. the time came to relax and i....just didn't....and then suddenly i was waiting to see. see what was gonna grow out of my scalp. see if i could do it. i didnt mark the point where i said 'This is it. I'm transitioning'. It was a slow realization...that as the weeks went by and i'd washed my hair, i knew i wasnt going to relax it. i always knew from the jump that when i 'got ready' that i would be transitioning versus chopping it all off bc i knew i'd need to time to develop the confidence to step out and say this is me. i needed the time to grow a thicker skin. the time to believe in the beauty of natural hair. to believe in the beauty that I will have with natural hair.

feeling accepted has always ranked higher in importance than i care to admit or want it to be. i'd love to be a person who didn't care if others like me or wasnt bothered by being shunned or made fun of. but so far i am not. will that ever change? i dont know. i would certainly embrace it if it does but i must take into consideration and embrace the current me NOW and she....she aint really ready to just 'walk in it' at the moment.

but i want to be. i wonder if i should wait to 'feel ready' or take the leap and just jump. get ready when i get there. i'm a planner. so i like to be prepared. right now, i'm unsure of what i'm preparing myself for.....

timing. aside from the effort it takes just to get my transitioning hair to look presentable for church, work, and checking the mailbox, i am also considering an upcoming relocation. my husband has taken a job midwest and in about 9 weeks we'll be moving. moving 1000 miles. moving from this place that has only just begun to feel like home. moving to the unknown. i havent decided whether i'll big chop myself or if i'll have someone else to do it. if i do have someone else to do it, and that person is a stylist, i'd much prefer the guy who've i've grown comfortable with while i've lived here these past 2 years...which puts me chopping in July versus December. a full 5 months earlier than the plan.

i like the idea of owning my hair and taking it into my own hands. ridding myself of the past and embracing the future. i also like the idea of getting a clean cut. having it nicely shaped so as my hair grows, it is uniform and crisp. i could combine the two. do my own initial big chop and then go in to have it professionally shaped and finessed. i'm talking like i know my stylist deals with natural hair. i think he does. i mean, i've seen him flat iron naturals but the one time i picked up the phone today to call and ask this question, i didnt follow thru. i do not know why.

now the fear really comes into play when the relaxed hair is off and it's just me and my natural hair. that period where i'm just getting to know her and she might be a little pissy. bc yeah, i've staunchly ignored and denied her for 18 years. i'd be pissy with me too. already i can tell my hair has an opinion. as i flat ironed it over the course of months during this transition, she has grown more and more vocal over her displeasure. she has made it known that she will not lie straight and sleek all the time. she has drawn up at every opportunity. the slightest humidity gets her excited. sleep wrong and she's got something to say.....then i'm reading here and there that i should lay off the heat. back away from the heat. ween myself off the heat. so here we are. she seems happy but now the relaxed ends are all confused like "whaaat??? huh??? you want me to 'set' like how???? in this curly doodad??? i don't feeeeel like it, ect". (the relaxed hair talks slow.) so i'm afraid of being left alone with the hair with the opinionated personality. afraid of exactly what she's gonna do up there. not knowing kills me....i like to know what's going on so i can plan....you know?

i've never had really short hair, so i'm afraid of that. i wear my hair out of my face frequently and i've also pinned it up a lot when it's been longer in the past. so i'm comfortable with showing my face and having it all on display. it's the fear of not having the option. you know? of having a fairly large head and not having much to disguise that fact. the fear of not feeling feminine. omgosh, i never knew how much i defined my feminity by the length of my hair. it seems absurd. my mind and body are clearly female so it's impossible to mistake. i have no idea where this came from and why i'm clearly so attached to the idea. but i am. this needs to be dealt with bc even if i transition the full year, my hair will still be really short when i chop.

do i want to deal with this during the relocation? during such a big change? should i just wait til the dust settles of leaving my job, the move, TheDoc's new job, and the period of my own unemployment? i've only been to this new place once to find a house to rent. i saw very few black people. i didn't see any natural women. i understand that my husband and i will be greatly adding to the african american population there. how will i be perceived with natural hair? with a twa? do i meet everyone with my transitioning hair and then deal with the wondering after i cut it all off or let them meet the *new* me? the me with natural hair?

i've got a lot of thoughts crowded under this hair....i could go on the rest of the day. as i get closer to the move i'll be evaluating how i feel on these points. and prayerfully make a decision that is right for me, in that moment...that i can live with.