I Chopped......

a while ago.

Towards the end of my transition I found that I spent less and less time thinking about my hair. The patience that I so desperately needed finally showed up. To the point that when I finally chopped off my remaining relaxed ends on November 27, 2010. I felt little more that straight exhaustion. It took a lot longer than I expected.

It was a sunday. I started at 4pm...and with a few breaks for dinner and to watch an hour long show, I finished up a little after 11pm. I was so very tired. I didn't care enough to try to document the process.

But I do have pictures. So without further ado.....

When I took the twist down, it was not hot. With some manipulation, I came up with this:

A few days later here are shots of my hair during my bday weekend:

I was very proud of my little puff. That wasn't the intended style but the ouchless band I'd use krept up into a puff configuration throughtout the day.

Big Chop Preview........

Below shows my hair about a week and a half after my BC.

Shrunken, no product. And with a few straggly relaxed ends here and there apparently.

All twisted back up:

And the resulting style from this set:

I've been keeping flat twist on the sides to disguise my scab hair.

Knowing when I'm ready.....

I was browsing around the natural hair world and stumbled across an article at ManeandChic. She outlines some points that she felt were important to determine whether or not one is ready to big chop. I went thru each of her points and noted where I am or how I feel about each one.

Source: http://www.maneandchic.com/2010/06/transitioners-thursday-when-to-bc.html

• When you're ready. You don't want to regret doing it too soon.
What is ready? How is ‘ready’ defined? Lol…. I can be implulsive at times. Some days I’m ready, others, I’m not sure. I'm anxious to see my natural hair and get started with growing it out.

• When you're comfortable with the length you will lose. Your relaxed ends are weighing down your hair, be prepared to lose a lot of length not only due to the cut, but to shrinkage.
Am I comfortable with the length that will be left after shrinkage? No. I know I'm not. I clipped a teensy little piece in the front so I'd have a way to guage growth accounting for shrinkage. No ma'am. Not ready at all....

• When you're tired of dealing with the line of difference. It can be annoying and if you're having a lot of difficulty here or are rushing through detangling, you might consider the Big Chop.
I am indeed tired of dealing with the two textures. I just really want to comb my hair and not be all extra careful around the demarcation line when detangling. Detangling the straight ends is becoming a hassle as my hair grows out. It’s not completely unreasonable though so I could tough it out a bit longer.

• When you're tired of dealing with the different textures. If you feel like you want to simplify your hair routine, it would help to not have to deal with the drastically different textures. .......
Yes please! I would love to simplify my routine. I’d love for my knot outs to be uniform and not have straggly straight ends attached that don’t want to fall in line and curl. I’m interesting in the wash n go. I realize that it’s not really a go after you wash but I currently can not leave my house without my hair being ‘set’ and drying overnight or all day. The freedom of leaving the house with wet/damp hair that simply has product in it that I’ve finger styled is highly appealing.

• When you've figured out how you're going to do it: are you going to do it? a close friend? or are you going to a salon?
Eh…I keep flip flopping. If I wait and chop after I leave Pittsburgh, then I have two options: Do it myself with my husband helping me OR drive down to Houston, TX and go to a natural hair care salon with my best friend there to document the process and hold my hand if need be. I'm not considering walking into a salon blindly in my new city and letting someone I don't know nor have heard about do my BC. If I did a salon, I'd like it to be a major natural hair salon. I do like the idea of doing it with my husband. He's been an integral part of my journey thus far.
Prayerfully he won't jack up the back of my head, lol. I'm leaning more towards the do it myself option as I want him involved.

• When you're prepared. Have you done your research? Do you have the products and tools you will need to be natural?
I feel pretty prepared. I’ve read A LOT. Watched a lot of YouTube videos. I’ve started a routine that may need little to no tweaking once I’ve BC’d. I’ve got some products. I’ve read reaction after reaction of other’s BC to be aware of some of the emotions I may experience. The things left that I would like to purchase are along the lines of accessories: small rods, hair bands, clips, combs to smoothing back sides, a few more banging pair of earrings. But none of those are necessities for my regimen.

These were some good points. I'll revisit them every once and awhile to see how the answers might change. Right now, according to these points I am not ready. But I'm getting close!

And the point of it all.....

You know, all thoughts really keep coming around to this point: When? When to chop? I think about this several times a day.

This past Saturday, another tic went in the column for 'waiting'. My husband has accepted a position with a University. Currently, I've been in conversation with the dean and HR at said university regarding securing employment for myself. It's not cut and dry but there is a good possibility that I might be able to get a position there. What that position will be is the question.

So I've been thinking about interviewing with a TWA. I've seen a couple discussions online about this but how do I feel about it? right now I'm not sure. My feelings are mixed. I certainly have a part of me that says 'If they can't accept a TWA then it's not the place for me to work'. I do indeed feel that way. I also feel that 'in this economy, I need to secure a job. I dont need any distractions to the employer as I'm being interviewed'. Clearly these two feelings don't reconcile.

Should I hold off on the chop while I interview for jobs? What harm will waiting longer do? Wasn't that my original plan anyway before I got anxious and antsy and started consuming dozens of Youtube videos a day? Will eyebrows be raised if after I secure the job and then chop? One thing I do know is I will not be straightening my hair for the interview. I would wear it in a Bantu Knot Out since that's the set I currently do best. Here is my hair in a fresh bantu knot out:

I would stick with a black headband. I won't wear studs but I won't wear large earrings either. I have a small pair of earrings that drop down no more than an inch that were given to me by a Secret Santa some years ago.

If I'm rocking a TWA, I have no idea what I'd do with it, lol. Most tips for a TWA get into accessorizing and an interview isnt really the time to roll in with your peacock feathered headband. I'd probably wear a simple black headband, the slimmest one I could find. Right now when I wet my hair to check out its curl pattern then stretch it out, it shrinks back 50%. So even if I've got a solid 3/4 inches when I chop....it will probably still look like 1/2 inches of hair....unless twisting it will stretch it out for me.

Shoot, typing it out, knowing that I've never had very short hair and knowing that the reason I wanted to transition for a long time is so I wouldnt have to rock a TWA then maybe I should hold off and not chop til after a job has been secured. Then I'm not concerned about my confidence regarding my hair since I'm usually a ball of nerves in an interview anyway.

On the flip, isn't it JUST hair? Am I letting possible job interviews that I dont currently have determine what I do with my hair next week? Next month? That doesnt seem to make sense. Or...does it?

I dont know.

In the meantime, I've got an important appointment Monday morning. I plan to wear my hair in a Bantu Knot Out with a headband.

It's Crowded in here......

one of the things that i've been mulling over constantly for the last few days is confidence and fear. my feelings on both. my personal measurement of both. and how that is going to affect my future actions.

blog hopping along, i've run across posts that discuss the confidence factor that is required or grown out of necessity for those who rock their teeny weeny afros (twa). these really resonate with me bc i've dabbled off and on with the idea of going natural for probably 8ish years. the primary reason i wasnt ready to make the leap was the confidence that i could see would be required of me to step out. be different. embrace myself completely as i was naturally created. i've struggled with confidence regarding my appearance since i became aware of my appearance sometime as a child. i am not sure if i've ever been 100% confident in the physical self i present to the world, so there is lots to unpack here.

i'm unsure what changed to make me decided i was 'ready' for this journey. ready to transition. the time came to relax and i....just didn't....and then suddenly i was waiting to see. see what was gonna grow out of my scalp. see if i could do it. i didnt mark the point where i said 'This is it. I'm transitioning'. It was a slow realization...that as the weeks went by and i'd washed my hair, i knew i wasnt going to relax it. i always knew from the jump that when i 'got ready' that i would be transitioning versus chopping it all off bc i knew i'd need to time to develop the confidence to step out and say this is me. i needed the time to grow a thicker skin. the time to believe in the beauty of natural hair. to believe in the beauty that I will have with natural hair.

feeling accepted has always ranked higher in importance than i care to admit or want it to be. i'd love to be a person who didn't care if others like me or wasnt bothered by being shunned or made fun of. but so far i am not. will that ever change? i dont know. i would certainly embrace it if it does but i must take into consideration and embrace the current me NOW and she....she aint really ready to just 'walk in it' at the moment.

but i want to be. i wonder if i should wait to 'feel ready' or take the leap and just jump. get ready when i get there. i'm a planner. so i like to be prepared. right now, i'm unsure of what i'm preparing myself for.....

timing. aside from the effort it takes just to get my transitioning hair to look presentable for church, work, and checking the mailbox, i am also considering an upcoming relocation. my husband has taken a job midwest and in about 9 weeks we'll be moving. moving 1000 miles. moving from this place that has only just begun to feel like home. moving to the unknown. i havent decided whether i'll big chop myself or if i'll have someone else to do it. if i do have someone else to do it, and that person is a stylist, i'd much prefer the guy who've i've grown comfortable with while i've lived here these past 2 years...which puts me chopping in July versus December. a full 5 months earlier than the plan.

i like the idea of owning my hair and taking it into my own hands. ridding myself of the past and embracing the future. i also like the idea of getting a clean cut. having it nicely shaped so as my hair grows, it is uniform and crisp. i could combine the two. do my own initial big chop and then go in to have it professionally shaped and finessed. i'm talking like i know my stylist deals with natural hair. i think he does. i mean, i've seen him flat iron naturals but the one time i picked up the phone today to call and ask this question, i didnt follow thru. i do not know why.

now the fear really comes into play when the relaxed hair is off and it's just me and my natural hair. that period where i'm just getting to know her and she might be a little pissy. bc yeah, i've staunchly ignored and denied her for 18 years. i'd be pissy with me too. already i can tell my hair has an opinion. as i flat ironed it over the course of months during this transition, she has grown more and more vocal over her displeasure. she has made it known that she will not lie straight and sleek all the time. she has drawn up at every opportunity. the slightest humidity gets her excited. sleep wrong and she's got something to say.....then i'm reading here and there that i should lay off the heat. back away from the heat. ween myself off the heat. so here we are. she seems happy but now the relaxed ends are all confused like "whaaat??? huh??? you want me to 'set' like how???? in this curly doodad??? i don't feeeeel like it, ect". (the relaxed hair talks slow.) so i'm afraid of being left alone with the hair with the opinionated personality. afraid of exactly what she's gonna do up there. not knowing kills me....i like to know what's going on so i can plan....you know?

i've never had really short hair, so i'm afraid of that. i wear my hair out of my face frequently and i've also pinned it up a lot when it's been longer in the past. so i'm comfortable with showing my face and having it all on display. it's the fear of not having the option. you know? of having a fairly large head and not having much to disguise that fact. the fear of not feeling feminine. omgosh, i never knew how much i defined my feminity by the length of my hair. it seems absurd. my mind and body are clearly female so it's impossible to mistake. i have no idea where this came from and why i'm clearly so attached to the idea. but i am. this needs to be dealt with bc even if i transition the full year, my hair will still be really short when i chop.

do i want to deal with this during the relocation? during such a big change? should i just wait til the dust settles of leaving my job, the move, TheDoc's new job, and the period of my own unemployment? i've only been to this new place once to find a house to rent. i saw very few black people. i didn't see any natural women. i understand that my husband and i will be greatly adding to the african american population there. how will i be perceived with natural hair? with a twa? do i meet everyone with my transitioning hair and then deal with the wondering after i cut it all off or let them meet the *new* me? the me with natural hair?

i've got a lot of thoughts crowded under this hair....i could go on the rest of the day. as i get closer to the move i'll be evaluating how i feel on these points. and prayerfully make a decision that is right for me, in that moment...that i can live with.

A bit Rusty.......

man.....it's been....how long?

yeah, gonna start up the old blog routine again. in the past i've blogged about weightloss (40lbs that i somehow gained back last year. what!?!?) and about being broke and getting married. i've locked those up a while ago. the lady blogging then...she's a different lady now. perhaps i'll unlock them in the future...perhaps not. i haven't deleted those other 2 blogs...so there is hope, lol. its been a few years but i've got some stuff to say...and the blogging, it helps get it out of me.

primarily what's on my mind right now is natural hair. in particular my transition. i've been relaxer free since Dec 3, 2010. i'm rolling up on 6 months.

originally i was certain i would be transitioning for a solid year. do the big chop in December 2011 more or less around my birthday.....but since going 'heat free' just this past weekend (May 21-22, 2011) I don't know.....things are poofy. soft and poofy. i've been rocking a bantu knot out for the last 4 days and i'm wondering about my committment to the year transition. frankly, i'm thinking it would be easier to get rid of these straight ends sooner rather than later.

gah....'they' were right. 'they' all say 'just cut it off' and i'm a little irritated to find that....'they' just might be right, lol. 'they' being the general consensus when you ask Google how to manage during your transition. 'They' start with a couple tips about wearing your hair in various sets then eventually end with or cut it all off, lol.

I'll be back in another post (probably later today) about my hair and other stuff. But yeah, i'm back....i'm blogging....i've missed it.