It's Crowded in here......

one of the things that i've been mulling over constantly for the last few days is confidence and fear. my feelings on both. my personal measurement of both. and how that is going to affect my future actions.

blog hopping along, i've run across posts that discuss the confidence factor that is required or grown out of necessity for those who rock their teeny weeny afros (twa). these really resonate with me bc i've dabbled off and on with the idea of going natural for probably 8ish years. the primary reason i wasnt ready to make the leap was the confidence that i could see would be required of me to step out. be different. embrace myself completely as i was naturally created. i've struggled with confidence regarding my appearance since i became aware of my appearance sometime as a child. i am not sure if i've ever been 100% confident in the physical self i present to the world, so there is lots to unpack here.

i'm unsure what changed to make me decided i was 'ready' for this journey. ready to transition. the time came to relax and i....just didn't....and then suddenly i was waiting to see. see what was gonna grow out of my scalp. see if i could do it. i didnt mark the point where i said 'This is it. I'm transitioning'. It was a slow realization...that as the weeks went by and i'd washed my hair, i knew i wasnt going to relax it. i always knew from the jump that when i 'got ready' that i would be transitioning versus chopping it all off bc i knew i'd need to time to develop the confidence to step out and say this is me. i needed the time to grow a thicker skin. the time to believe in the beauty of natural hair. to believe in the beauty that I will have with natural hair.

feeling accepted has always ranked higher in importance than i care to admit or want it to be. i'd love to be a person who didn't care if others like me or wasnt bothered by being shunned or made fun of. but so far i am not. will that ever change? i dont know. i would certainly embrace it if it does but i must take into consideration and embrace the current me NOW and she....she aint really ready to just 'walk in it' at the moment.

but i want to be. i wonder if i should wait to 'feel ready' or take the leap and just jump. get ready when i get there. i'm a planner. so i like to be prepared. right now, i'm unsure of what i'm preparing myself for.....

timing. aside from the effort it takes just to get my transitioning hair to look presentable for church, work, and checking the mailbox, i am also considering an upcoming relocation. my husband has taken a job midwest and in about 9 weeks we'll be moving. moving 1000 miles. moving from this place that has only just begun to feel like home. moving to the unknown. i havent decided whether i'll big chop myself or if i'll have someone else to do it. if i do have someone else to do it, and that person is a stylist, i'd much prefer the guy who've i've grown comfortable with while i've lived here these past 2 years...which puts me chopping in July versus December. a full 5 months earlier than the plan.

i like the idea of owning my hair and taking it into my own hands. ridding myself of the past and embracing the future. i also like the idea of getting a clean cut. having it nicely shaped so as my hair grows, it is uniform and crisp. i could combine the two. do my own initial big chop and then go in to have it professionally shaped and finessed. i'm talking like i know my stylist deals with natural hair. i think he does. i mean, i've seen him flat iron naturals but the one time i picked up the phone today to call and ask this question, i didnt follow thru. i do not know why.

now the fear really comes into play when the relaxed hair is off and it's just me and my natural hair. that period where i'm just getting to know her and she might be a little pissy. bc yeah, i've staunchly ignored and denied her for 18 years. i'd be pissy with me too. already i can tell my hair has an opinion. as i flat ironed it over the course of months during this transition, she has grown more and more vocal over her displeasure. she has made it known that she will not lie straight and sleek all the time. she has drawn up at every opportunity. the slightest humidity gets her excited. sleep wrong and she's got something to say.....then i'm reading here and there that i should lay off the heat. back away from the heat. ween myself off the heat. so here we are. she seems happy but now the relaxed ends are all confused like "whaaat??? huh??? you want me to 'set' like how???? in this curly doodad??? i don't feeeeel like it, ect". (the relaxed hair talks slow.) so i'm afraid of being left alone with the hair with the opinionated personality. afraid of exactly what she's gonna do up there. not knowing kills me....i like to know what's going on so i can plan....you know?

i've never had really short hair, so i'm afraid of that. i wear my hair out of my face frequently and i've also pinned it up a lot when it's been longer in the past. so i'm comfortable with showing my face and having it all on display. it's the fear of not having the option. you know? of having a fairly large head and not having much to disguise that fact. the fear of not feeling feminine. omgosh, i never knew how much i defined my feminity by the length of my hair. it seems absurd. my mind and body are clearly female so it's impossible to mistake. i have no idea where this came from and why i'm clearly so attached to the idea. but i am. this needs to be dealt with bc even if i transition the full year, my hair will still be really short when i chop.

do i want to deal with this during the relocation? during such a big change? should i just wait til the dust settles of leaving my job, the move, TheDoc's new job, and the period of my own unemployment? i've only been to this new place once to find a house to rent. i saw very few black people. i didn't see any natural women. i understand that my husband and i will be greatly adding to the african american population there. how will i be perceived with natural hair? with a twa? do i meet everyone with my transitioning hair and then deal with the wondering after i cut it all off or let them meet the *new* me? the me with natural hair?

i've got a lot of thoughts crowded under this hair....i could go on the rest of the day. as i get closer to the move i'll be evaluating how i feel on these points. and prayerfully make a decision that is right for me, in that moment...that i can live with.